1. |
Highway
09:37
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We stood on the pier and watched the waves as the tide came in
The sun sets every day and we all know that, but I never look
I never really wanted to live forever, but I changed my mind
It’s not that I expect that to ever happen, I’ve just got a lot I’d like to do
walking by the ocean, i see the waves crash and slide back in
a hermit crab got lost without its shell
The lights on in the market
I like how it looks when everything’s gray
but the windows are bright orange against the haze
I see a man waiting
He’s been standing there since 6:15
He watches cars and tries his best to blend right in
Head lights, peak around the corner
and you forgot to jump
Disappear, travel miles away instead
it all works out the same
grab your books and collapse your tabs
grab your disc and your briquette, you’ve got friends to meet
I haven’t seen my daughter in weeks, where could she be?
Hope she forgets me someday
You never really got what I was saying, you always said 30 was enough
I never really know how serious you are but I hope you change your mind
a mountain at evening, haze against the sea and
the silhouette of the horizon, it’s hardest to see at dusk
a pose in the door way could fool you as a picture frame
but nothing’s really paused no matter how still you stand
leave your life exactly as you lived it,
an impression, cleared out dust from habitually used places
compressed cushion on the chair on the balcony,
dog eared pages and an unlocked computer screen
don’t you think you could have cleaned things up a bit,
don’t you care at all? to clarify or justify
Your uncleared history, i’m embarrassed just looking,
and i feel dizzy standing with the lights off staring at the screen
And all the things that you bury in your life
could bloom like evil flowers that no one would ever pick
But I stared and I stared for days on end
and reached out to pull you back, please come back!
I cut my hair today
I put on a sweater and walked to school
i don’t give a shit, I’m fucking off today
I stayed up late again on a
bus to the northern shore
No one knows me here
except my dear grandma
Release my thoughts to the empty sky
I admit i don’t know anything and never did
Though i travel far away
You know it’s hard
to be forgotten these days
I never really wanted to live forever but maybe I changed my mind
I really don’t expect that to ever happen it’s just something, it’s just one thing
Just another thing to think about
the light in the morning eases my mind, though the
suns rays and wind blows seeds to the ground
the currents push against my legs, run through the waves
til you get tired and lay panting on the shore
Last night in a dream,
I stabbed you in the heart,
the blood made me lose my grip
you were someone just like me,
hated by all our peers,
so i hated you as well
apologies that grow like trees,
fully formed in yards you’re not likely
to visit again
don’t mean anything,
So scatter the seeds in hopes that something useful grows for once
some people may leave and be gone forever
so stop and look at the people who are still around
So in my case I take a look a my father
walking in the distance 100 miles away,
and I’m sorry when you tried to die,
I said "do it right next time"
to be honest I was hurt myself
if I could live 100 more years
you know that I would take
and I hope you’d take it too
sitting in the park
swinging in the dark
I felt so stupid and young
so I’m sorry
oh god I’m sorry
If one drop from my heart could just turn you around,
just know I’d prefer to see you living
The so called family who said you were nothing…
They’ll just never understand.
So don’t believe them!!
Don’t believe them!!!!
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2. |
Impressionism
08:18
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press the pedal
down to the floor
just kidding you know I
would never drive that fast
I’m not much for taking risks
it’s not that I’m scared
it just doesn’t really seem to be worth it
I can still feel the air
and I’d like to see the lights
so why don’t you look to the south
you can see everything from here
And in the darkness
the places people live
seem to float above the hills
And I can see the lights
we’re both looking far away,
saying something about death
and I think it might be good
to take our time with that
so we got left behind?
I guess people get left behind
and as our youths float to the earth
We still have no clue what to say
What to say
Eyes move slow, and legs move slow
Maybe I should go to bed on time
for once let’s breath in deeply
you know it’s ok to cry
I was never smart anyway
I’ll hold my bitterness and
open up my hands as the day breaks
please destroy it all!
I’ve had enough of these good dreams
because I know it’s all gone
squint into the wind by the seaside
pick up shells and toss them in
run across the shallow water
rest your hands just above the shining sand
close your eyes and little tears form
because you woke up really early today
I could never eat this early
I got sick and
I almost fainted
So it was lively, it was lovely, the sunset’s colored like a rose and
it was like not like nothing else but I’ll describe it with averages words
we both know impressionism was always the kind of art I liked
so i’ll use a big brush, if you squint you’ll make it out
press your nose against the window
the first snow barely dusts the ground
as much time as you spend in silence
one day this will be ten years past
and I once knew you, and you once knew me, but now I don’t know a thing about that
and I once passed you on the street but I didn’t realize ’til later
I thought we’d be friends forever
I thought I’d know you when I was 80
but I’m always wrong about so many things
so it was lively, it was lovely, the sunset’s colored like a rose and
it was like not like nothing else but I’ll describe it with averages words
we both know impressionism was always the kind of art I liked
so i’ll use a big brush, I’ll use a big brush
agh !!!! I don’t know,
And I’m sorry-
And I’m sorry I’ll never see you again
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3. |
||||
I walk across the bridge,
and up the cracked old stairs
I’ve got no illusions, I know
I’m just a baby and
There’s some things that you know are
way to high to reach but but you still want to,
reach up and!
It seemed like he really knew
what it really meant to be
great and our eyes were all on him, but
we got lost inside a nightmare and
my blood just felt cold, but he wasn’t scared
like he should have been
“Someday I’ll conquer all the stars
I’ll pull them to my eyes and see through them
and I’ll meet all their children,” and
Carol says she heard them and wrote what they said
down but he missed it, because he already left
I want to see the morning
I want to feel the sunlight
and I want to see the stars,
when all of this is over
I want to open my heart up to my friends
and tell them I love them
i want to read a book and i want to draw a picture
i want to play a game and stay up til the morning
and all of the smallest reasons to live, are good enough
I want to see the morning
I want to feel the sunlight
and I want to see the stars,
when all of this is over
I want to open my heart up to my friends
and tell them I love them
And even the petty reasons to live are good enough
Dust drifts in from the window to the floor,
illuminate against the walls where we once lived
Softly touch the broken music box
For a time when its song would still ease your mind
chase a light through the haunted streets
for a chance that that your world might still be saved
promise that you wont lose your way?
but your hand and your heart and your life might change
a flower blooms in cold blood
and I changed, and the world changed
A memory that once was warm
Is now only cold, and I walk away
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4. |
June 2
06:18
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snails cross the sidewalk
can’t believe something could live here
crouch and watch it go,
and in the sun beams the grass will burn
a cross lit up on the sky line
floats though I can’t see how
can you hear me, god?
I once believed it, but now I never will
shop on the week days,
cry in the target
did you hear me, god?
felt like i needed help, but no one came
so it’s hot in the summer, so we forgot water as we walk for miles home
so the gas wasn’t broken, so we just didn’t know it was off, live and learn that’s how it goes
just this time, for a moment this time,
we’ll scream from the bottom of our hearts
maybe we all have things we regret
but it’s fun sometimes
and we laugh some times
and i love you, my best friend
so we’re outside at evening, disconnecting a battery, pull out the card and make a call
you got $300, in a way it’s a profit, i’m just glad we didn’t die!!!!!!
so, so what? so we’re getting old? so we haven’t solved it all by now?
maybe we all have things we regret
but it’s fun sometimes
and we laugh some times
and i love you, my best friend
As I walk away, nothing lasts forever, you know these days I don’t think much about the future
Pack up things and get rid of others, and out the window’s a view that I won’t see again
Bodies change and don’t work forever, but we make use of them while we can
I don’t what’s in the future, but we made it much longer than I thought we would
Fly to California, say bye to your family
Float on the giant waves, an unknown ocean you’ve finally seen
Just this time, for a moment this time,
we’ll scream from the bottom of our hearts
maybe we all have things we regret
but it’s fun sometimes
and we laugh some times
and I love you, my best friend
when we’re laughing,
and as we’re living,
my best friend!
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5. |
Reintroduction Letter
05:53
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In 1000 years or maybe more
I could be a stranger to you again
and maybe we’d meet on the main street
in a city we both live in
some things that are almost completely lost
could be edged off the cliff
when you reach your hand out to pull them back in
And when i finally found the book with your phone number
I stood there for minutes while the sun set,
and when I looked up, it was dark out
take out the trash, read a book,
push it out of my mind,
i just don’t wanna hear it
Get the onions from garden, get the water, try not to spill it
It’s the only thing that I could really do
We are both elitist people that only had fun watching movies
And complaining about how much better they could be
I stood outside the car gazing up at the deep blue sky for a little too long, but the cold weather snapped me out of it.
In the mirror I caught myself smiling, and immediately stopped, somehow feeling embarrassed.
I walked round to the garden, but saw something moving around inside.
I got nervous as a leaned down, when all of a sudden it jumped up, and right past my face.
I turned and looked, realizing it was just a leaf, and the wind took it away.
The other night, i was staying up too late again and I saw a picture of the family from 10 years ago.
I didn’t know at the time you saw it too but Rosie told me about it.
maybe you’re wondering how i am. i go to work, i come home, i watch videos. whatever.
Things were so hectic back then, cooking for everyone, folding laundry, dishes….
nowadays I don’t do them enough. Rosie says that just means i’m busy
but I think she’s just being overly cautious these days because she’s worried I might start hating her again
time wont seem to do everything,
no time seems to heal nothing!
I just find other things to do in my spare time
look through old pictures
but think of the future:
should things just remain the same?
I saw your mom the other day, weird right?
She doesn’t come out very often but she couldn’t find your phone number so she was asking for it, talking about the picture my mom uploaded.
You hate to admit when something like that makes you pick up the phone, huh?
It just got me thinking, too. sometimes i just find myself wondering if i’ve really changed at all.
I’m still way too opinionated in conversations… I forget important things people tell me… and I just start to worry if I’ve really changed at all.
stars blink out eventually,
wounds that don’t heal eventually
turn to dust on the bodies where they formed so long ago and
I’d like to see you, I’d like to tell you…
but maybe photos will just have to do
I got a message from your grand parents the other day, asking for money again.
As I get older, I wonder if having children meant much to them, but at this point I’ll probably never ask.
That’s how it is.
That’s just the way it is.
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6. |
||||
The sea’s been swelling
The sky’s been overcast
I see a few rocks have been spit out on the shore
It’s been a long few years for us all
Let’s just try to move on
It’s been about ten years since
We lived on the same street
I braced myself for insults but all you said was just
You left your bag by the front door
The last words I said were
"Nice try, maybe next time"
You just shook your head
And I think what you meant was
I really wont miss you at all
So you clogged the toilet
And I’ll try my best
To push down the part of myself that
Wants to say, "So you did it again?"
So grab the plunger, we’ll do it together
Hold on I’m trying
So you can’t see it?
You’re just projecting your memories of me
But I don’t even care at all….
I swear I’m gonna change
I can’t sleep because it started to rain and
It’s been so long that I’d like to hear every drop
Did you notice how green the leaves look on other days like this?
And I found
old glasses
old drawings
In old notebooks
I don’t know
What I proved then…
I dreamed I saw you and you actually smiled
It was a day just like this when my brother left us
I offered him an umbrella but he declined it
He didn’t tell our parents before he left,
And I always wonder, why didn’t he take it?
Until then
I never
thought much about the past and
I’m not so
good at poems but
I hope one day I feel like how those mountains look
So we went jogging
it’s raining this time and
We both laughed when you said "I hate myself too."
I guess that’s one thing we share
But do you remember?
When we were kids
I ran and got you a bandaid when you fell and scraped your knee
I hope that’s who I really am
Hold on I’m trying
God can’t you see me?
No, I know that’s not what’s really important
I know I can’t expect anyone to stay
Some things you can’t get back
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7. |
Spring & Movies
05:21
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Sigh into the night
watch the blinking lights go by
Or masts on the ships that fall into the sea
Or the flood waters rise
Yet time’s like that I stop and just look at the stars
Or stand in silence to watch the rain or the snow fall down,
or the fog roll in as the street disappears into it
Look at the faces
of friends that you betrayed
and they said “You’ll pay for that with more than your life”
But do you face it or does…
The light, through the haze, dance in strangely peaceful ways
Rain will fall so grass will grow and the sun reflects off puddles in the footprints that were left behind
But I want to see faces of people who trust me
And warm colored tiles on the floor where I worked
Are these golden chances lost for ever
Are golden days just vague words to say?
Still the sun rises, and the wind blows, and I cut my dirty nails
Run forever and never get tired
I have dreams like that and sometimes I’m having fun
Sometimes I’m just escaping
Watch a movie of prisoners who escape
Just as they hesitate to reunite with the ones they love
The cops pull up
And
The sky was so blue and
The day was so normal
The street was so quiet
Heard the dust on the pavement
Those outstretched hands that are just inches apart
Feeling sorry for for the world that took them apart
And if that’s justice well, I don’t like it
Is that just how it is?
And down in the dirt
The green sprouts grow up
I wake up from my world end dream
From the castles being hit by meteors
And the dark citadels
So the movie’s over
The sun’s already set
A heart filled with compassion, when all is said and done
I hope it’s not too late
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8. |
Ông Nội
06:34
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I overheard someone talking, they said that
you took your brothers name
after he died and you left yours
in Vietnam
Thanks for the eggs that you cooked when I was sick
Think i can say that much
Hey grandpa you look good in that suit
i finished high school, can you believe it?
so I walked in to your room
the sunlight reflected off your sheets
No one looks you in the eyes
as you struggled to make a sound
I can’t quite express all the things i regret,
my sister cried when i got her friends sent home
I held her in my arms as we got scolded in the hall
by my stepmom
but it was too late
I blamed my mom for the things my family said
it wasn’t her fault but she was the only one around
I’ve talked so much shit about the people i love most
so what does that say about me?
Fuck this shit! I deserve this
At cô Ly’s wedding, she made sure to have a speech telling
how sad she was that you already died
and everyone was crying as she danced with her brother
just like you and grandma
and I could hear my dad as your first family planned your funeral
and through the door he screamed
“Fuck him! He’s not done anything for us!”
And so, how could I come?
Do you know? what you left me with?
if I came to see you i’d be betray my dad,
There’s just no easy answer
you left my dad when he was just a kid and
your second marriage it was just so perfect
and you said it was ok if I did anything at all
just finish college first alright
Fuck this shit, should I have called more?
Don’t hold me back, I feel so guilty but all i want to say is just,
Fuck you, you just don’t, how complicated it be to just come and visit
but I would call, if I could, and tell you my life didn’t end up quite the way I wished
and I’ve got so many questions that I just didn’t care about when i had the chance
and just know, that all this time, I hear your words and I try to let go
But I
Just can’t
Forget it
I can’t forget it
I can’t forget it
You laid in bed, fucking god the sunlight’s so bright
And I could see every contour of your bones
And your hair was gone, but I remember,
and your voice was gone, But I remember,
and you said, “hey why didn’t you come more?”
Now I can’t believe you’re gone
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9. |
||||
June came a little too early,
and summer ended a little too late
and now I’m gonna be behind on work
I miss the east coast humidity
I never though I’d say those words,
but I guess I got a lot of reading done
Hey I really loved War and Peace, but will I feel the same in 15 years, I don’t know
Time passed a little too slowly, but it’s only because I know I’m stuck
It took some time but Rosie’s been nicer,
I guess my attitude was just bad
Hey mom are thinking about us?
Don’t worry, I know you needed a break,
Oh please just don’t forget we’re here,
It might be what we want some day
We listened to screamo on the way to the airport,
you said it sucks but maybe you could like it?
Hey mom, you could start a band, or at least try karaoke?
Oh god wasn’t the sky so beautiful
I could have cried if I wasn’t so embarrassed
Just looking at a picture,
we used to live somewhere that nice
Just throw my name away, I’m going somewhere better
Or at least somewhere that no one cares
Picture someone driving up a mountain away from a place they hate
Or so I tell myself, you know I’m not that cool
Did I have dreams anyways? And if not is that so bad?
Isn’t it enough just to want to live?
And I’ll forgive almost anything but it doesn’t mean I’m just another hand to help out
But the sky is clear today and I’ve got to do laundry
We were at the store and I could feel people judge us, I was a little loud but maybe I’m just sensitive
But lately I’ve been going out at 6, going running and buying spinach even if I don’t eat it
Hey you know it’s just a start
It’s all about building good habits
The other day when I was running around the lake, I met someone and she said that she used to play drums
I was in your room listening to your music, I guess I lied when I said I hated it
Sometimes I guess I want to scream too
And I got older but there are still things I’d like to do
The sun rays at 9:00 only make me feel slightly less bad
Quitting my job and sending you away, was it too much this time?
Oh god, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live
So I got older, but why am I still so stupid?
It’s like I can’t see my own face, when I think about it
I just wanted a little more time,
but I can’t seem to take care
Of myself
without hurting someone else
(life passes in many ways
life flashes away and
i once though i could know anything at all but
joints just hurt and lungs wheeze
so I just do nothing but
stare out of the window and think, was it worth it?)
When you were young and we lived in California
Your dad would come around but I never really told you
That piece of shit never tried to raise you but he’d come around and just tell me I was doing it all wrong
What did I lose this time?
I never see cars before I’m already hit
I always lived like I was running to the finish line
not to die but just to live differently
And it seems I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,
I fucked it up again,
and just to give myself a chance
So I got older, I was always waiting
For a chance to have a break, and figure out what I wanted
I don’t care how brittle my bones get I’m still here, judge me if you want to,
I’ll keep telling my self I don’t care
(life just passes quickly
i know it’s something everyone one
says but i never really
took it too seriously
gazing back at decades, thinking of the moments
and the hard headed way i lived that didn’t make anyone happy)
We all get older, it seems I missed
20 years as a young adult, but is it too late?
I’m still here and I’ve got my dreams
buried as they are by years of part time;
so I can’t be famous… Who said that was the point?
(no regrets for our youth!
sounds like a nice title
of a film, but one that i could
never relate to
cause I’ll always regret
ignoring my family’s feelings…)
Forget my name and forget my face, I don’t wanna be remembered
Forget my name, and forget my face, I wanna start over
I wanna go somewhere, I wanna go somewhere else.
(I want to be no one, but I don’t wanna disappear, I want to be no one at all)
Hey, I’m sorry
Oh god I’m sorry
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10. |
Dragon Bone Smasher
03:47
|
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Oh great blue sky,
are you open to hearing all
of the things that I would like to say but I’m not sure about? And…
Oh great deep lake,
do you think you’d forgive me if
I wanna show compassion for someone evil, that maybe I shouldn’t?
So I started reading again,
put on” Blanket and Crib”
And tried to find some wisdom
The moment is never sure so Ill l try not to hold too tightly
And these places will someday change even if you’re not there to see it
I keep the window open at night because I like to hear sounds and
As people drive on the highway I wonder, just where are they going!
so, put your glasses on,
try to clean the frames and
look!! a rainbow!!
I almost missed because I was annoyed at all the traffic
and I laughed when I saw it
We saw all the way to the sea,
it’s 100 miles away,
and the fog rolled in and
swallowed the city below the mountain
I squinted my eyes
in the wind and you
you said I’m not evil on days I hate my step mom,
or the days I don’t
the sound of the rain
could mean completely different things
based on how you’re living
The moment is never sure so I’ll try not to hold too tightly
And these places will someday change so maybe I will save a picture
I keep the window open at night because I like the sound of the forest
I hear howls or maybe wails and I wonder just what are they doing
the sound of the rain hitting hard against the roof, and together
we keep talking as we get to where we’re going
and I never get bored
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Kara's Walk Home Los Angeles, California
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